Life has been interesting lately. I usually make it a habit not to discuss personal matters on this blog… or if I do to keep it to an absolute minimum. Life has been very interesting these days. I feel like I’ve changed a lot since… well… I don’t even know. I guess I feel I’ve changed a lot over these past months, over the summer and during the beginning of this school year so far. I don’t really mean change in a bad way either, I guess I’ve matured a lot. Perhaps that sounds conceited, and maybe it is, but I don’t mean that I’ve grown smarter, stronger, wiser (though perhaps in an ironic way I have). I think I’m learning how dumb, foolish, rebellious, dissatisfied, selfish, weak I am and always have been. And I don’t mean to just bash myself for the sake of humility. I will grant you I’ve never been the worst of the bad in any of these areas, and that fact holds true to this day.
People will tend to look up to certain people. To a small extent, I’ve had people looking up to me for most of my life, more so in these past two years or so than before. I think I’ve realized that (perhaps exaggeratedly), and it’s subtly influenced my perception of myself. I think that’s one of the things that’s contributed to some of my overbearing pride at times… if some look up to me, then aren’t I worthy of being looked up to? Mustn’t they see something of consequence? I think that’s been my reasoning up to now. And in a sense, I need people to value me so that I can value myself, that’s something I’ve definitely found. But I’ve begun to realize something that’s been troubling me more and more.
When people find any thing or person with some good qualities, they will tend to distort its goodness and cover over in their mind it’s faults and imperfections. It’s almost random the things that get chosen to be looked up to. And somehow, after the dice were rolled, I got chosen as one of those people. It’s something that’s been bearing heavily on my shoulders, because I’ve begun to realize that I’m responsible for a lot more than just my actions, thoughts, and behaviors. I’m also responsible for the ways that all the former affect those around me. And that can be a very heavy burden to bear at times, especially when it’s not merit that’s deciding who to elevate.
I wonder sometimes how much responsibility we bear for our actions. I guess my conclusion as of now has been that practically speaking, we all have to shoulder the full weight of our actions and choices. I guess that’s when God’s grace takes on a new meaning. I find new meaning in grace as I see my own failure more clearly. I guess that sounds horribly cliche. Maybe it’s because it is cliche. But it’s true. And I guess maybe it can be hard to understand until one actually experiences it. But when all seems dull and gray, despondent and cloudy, downhill and depressed, I guess I have to believe that there is hope. I go outside before I go to bed at night, and I stand out back in the field and look up at the stars. On a clear night they’re so bright and radiant and full of hope, I can almost hear them singing. After watching the stars for a few minutes, I can’t help but feel hope stealing over my heart, no matter what I’ve been feeling the rest of the day. There’s something indescribably beautiful about them. It feels like I can almost see God… and I know beyond any doubt that he’s present everywhere, sometimes silent, but still there. Watching softly. Smiling.