Boy, you’re right, it has been a long time Amy… but I think your comment finally motivated me to post again. lol I just needed that extra push of someone asking or mentioning it to actually get around to posting. So thanks I guess 
There’s so much that’s passed through my mind in the past month that I’m sitting here kind of at a loss about what to talk about. It’s funny how when you know you have a lot to say you can’t think of anything at all to say.
Looking back in my notebook, here’s one thing I was thinking about a few days ago. The idea of the idea. This is something sparked by two movies I saw recently: Gladiator and Arthur (about King Arthur of Britain). In Gladiator, Maximus (the main character) is a Roman general, even though he’s never been to Rome. All of his years in the military, he and his legions have been fighting for Rome. But not the actual city, because they had never been there before.
In the movie Arthur, Arthur and his knights are fighting for Rome as well… they are defending Roman borders in Britain against the Picts, and against invading Saxons. These men, though, have never been to Rome either. But Arthur envisions Rome as this grand city, the center and mother of science, Christianity, civilization, peace. The very crux of everything good and pure in this world. Maximus and Arthur are both fighting for Rome as an idea, in their minds, Rome is what I just described: everything worth fighting for in this world.
But their visions are shattered by reality. Maximus becomes a slave and gladiator in the Coloseum and is caught up in the corrupt political turmoil, Arthur is informed that Rome is a corrupt city that condemned his religious hero Pelagius to death, excomunicated him as a heretic, and executed him. Rome was in reality a corrupt pit of human vice, imperfection, short-sightedness, closed-mindedness.
So what’s the point? Well… I think I’ve been discovering that the world is exactly like what Rome was to these men. A corrupt pit filled with humans and their vice, imperfection, short-sightedness, closed-mindedness, debauchery. And mind you that includes me and all Christians as well. The world is a very messed up place with a lot of messed up people. And that is depressing. My question has become what’s worth living for anymore? What’s worth fighting forth? Is there anything not tainted in this world?
Perhaps someone is raising their hand at this moment or shaking their head saying "well obviously you’re supposed to live for God. That’s the whole idea of Christianity. You live for God and not the world." While that may be true, I’ve been one who says ‘I want to change the world, I want to serve God by making an impact, by doing something for God in this world, however small or insignificant that might be.’ But I’ve run into something of a problem. Everyone who’s tried to fix the world or change things or start something new never did. The organization or movement or philosophy quickly became corrupted, the institutions set up quickly degenerated, the problems solved quickly croped up again elsewhere or even where they were remedied.
The question I then ask myself is "Why do anything? It’ll just become corrupted. Why try and make a difference? It won’t make a difference. Why be naive and think the world can be fixed? It’s messed up and it will always be messed up." If that’s not depressing, I don’t know what is. Reality is depressing. When you can’t see visible change, where’s the motivation in working at all? Pretty much all people and the entire world are tainted and imperfect. And I’ve also discovered a frighteningly unsettling fact lately as well… I’m just the same as the average imperfect tainted person. So that whole line of thought really kind of gets me rather dejected and depressed.
So I was thinking about this whole idea thing, and I realized that everyone man who has done things in this world, every man who has changed things (even if temporarily or a little tiny bit) has fought for an idea. Like Maximus and Arthur, they fought for an idea, not a city. Even when things become corrupted and when they were hit by reality, they clung to that idea and they gave their lives for it. I think I’m starting to realize that in order to survive in this world, in order to serve God, we have to fight for an idea.
I also have to turn myself into an idea and fight for that idea. Because I easily get caught up in the inevitability of failure in myself. If it’s inevitable then it can’t be stopped, and if you can’t stop it, why attempt? This is not very conducive to being productive or fighting imperfection as you can perhaps see. I guess it kind of goes back to hope. Don’t look at the dark side, look to the light, even if it is just an ideal. I get too caught up in reality… and reality is not something you want to be caught up in… at least not the vast majority of it that’s dark and depressing. Don’t look backwards, look forward. There’s nothing worth seeing there in failure and imperfection. Fight for the idea, not the city.