An arrangement of Scarborough Fair that I put together.

This summer, I am going to be living in the north end of Hartford CT. This is the capitol of Connecticut. It is ranked 19th worst city in the US in terms of crime, and it is the second poorest city in the US. The north end is the worst section of the city. This is a place in need of God’s love. My church has really been pushing to bringing the kingdom and God’s love to Hartford, and it’s a vision that’s been percolating in the back of my mind. I wish to build God’s kingdom with my life, and only 30 minutes away from where I currently live is a very needy place. I think God truly is starting a work there, I’ve had the opportunity to see a lot of cool people doing some really cool things to shine the love of God to the people of Hartford.

So, I was trying to figure out what I was going to do with my summer. I was praying very hard that God would give me something to do, because I’ve had not too much on my horizons this fall/winter. Very quickly God answered my prayers. Through a providential series of events, I have landed in an internship from May 30th so early August. So, this summer, I shall be living in Hartford with a few other interns for Hartford City Mission, and we’ll be running Camp Noah, a 10 week VBS-like program for inner city children grades 1-5. I’ll also be working with Young Life to build relationships with inner city teens. So, in general, I’m hoping that God will shine a little bit of his love to some kids in Hartford through his humble servant. I’m excited to live in Hartford for the summer, because it’s been something I’ve wanted to do for a while. I also enjoy working with children (and I think I’m halfway decent at it… better than many fellows my age anyways ).

So, I’d like to ask something of my readers. Please remember me in your prayers, and ask that God would use me to build his kingdom and to be his love; his hands and his feet. It is much appreciated.

One last comment I’d like to make. This is not so much a question as a heads up. I’m supposed to raise $1,200 for this internship (which, again, starts May 30th). If any of my readers feel inclined to contribute towards that, know that I believe this is God’s work and it’s going towards his kingdom. And I appreciate support. It’s something that I believe in, so I’m not planning to campaign or fundraising for it. I’m more than happy to pay however much of the $1,200 myself. But if you want to join with me and ease the financial burden, I would be honored. Even if it’s only $5 or $10. I would feel amazingly supported. So, just thought I’d throw that out there. Might as well make people aware

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I can bring God’s kingdom to earth with my life. I think he’s gifted me with an ear and talent for music, and I hope that I can use that gift to further his kingdom somehow. In thinking about this, I’m making it a long term project to slowly start putting the Psalms to music. There is a lack of contemporary settings of Psalms to music, and I think it’s something that’s very edifying, even just to me. It’s amazing how much music gets into your mind, and it makes life so much better and more joyful if you fill your mind with music that is dwelling on what is good, true, honest, beautiful. I think the Scriptures fall into that category, and Psalms lend themselves especially to music.

I started out with one of the most beautiful poems in the Psalms, number 23. I’m open to requests for what to work on next. This is a long term project, and I hope someday to get them all into song. But we shall see what God thinks about that one.

Download or listen: Psalm 23

Also, I’d love any feedback you have. What you like/dislike about my treatment, how I could improve my approach, etc.

P.S. Thank you so much to all who have prayed for my Berklee audition. I think that it went quite well, and I was a good representative of myself and of God. I really wan’t very nervous the whole time, and I know so many people have been praying for me, so thank you for that. Please continue to keep me in your prayers as I seek God’s kingdom and his glory with my music and my life. The peace of the Lord be with you all.

This past interim that I haven’t been blogging I’ve been learning. I’ve learned much, I think, about practical Christian living. Not heady impractical theoretical knowledge stuff, but real living wisdom stuff. Two of these things I would like to ponder in this post.

I’m not sure exactly what it is about confession, but it does something. As Saint Hesychios says in the Philokalia:

St. Basil the Great, mouthpiece of Christ and pillar of the Church, says that a great help towards not sinning and not committing daily the same faults is for us to review in our conscience at the end of each day what we have done wrong and what we have done right. Job did this with regard both to himself and to his children. These daily reckonings illumine a man’s hour by hour behaviour.

I’ve been using Shane Claiborne’s Book of Common Prayer for Evening Prayer the past month or two. And going through confession every evening has been invaluable.

I confess to almighty God,
And to you my brothers and sisters,
That I have sinned through my own fault,
In my thoughts and in my words,
In what I have done
And in what I have failed to do
And I ask you my brothers and sisters
To pray for me to the Lord our God.

Somehow, confessing all that I have done wrong in a particular day is relieving. Sitting in bed and going over the day in my head, picking out wrong thoughts, impatience, times I got upset; and then verbalizing those things to God. Saying “I was wrong in doing this,” or “I was wrong in thinking this,” helps me to make it clear in my mind that I have done wrong, and that those specific things are wrong. Half of the battle I fight it seems is to convince myself fully that certain things are wrong and harmful to me. Confessing them helps me to fight that battle and to see more clearly my need for grace, and God’s transformative work in my heart.

This confessing of sins is helpful in two ways. First, it gives me a concrete list of sins and shortcomings to pray over and work on overcoming. Second, it keeps me humble. I know some people say “You shouldn’t think lowly of yourself, but accurately of yourself.” I used to say that too. But I am starting to see all the wiles of the enemy and all of the ever so slightly twisted half truths he feeds us. This, I think, is one of them. Paul puts it well: let nothing be done through pride or conflict but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others as better than himself. Jesus Christ, the very Son of God, became a human, for heaven’s sake (hehe, catch the pun?). His equality with God he did not dwell on. He didn’t walk around thinking to himself “Now I really am the Son of God, so I’m better than everyone else around me.” Of course, that was true, but it did not concern him if he was better than other people. That thought didn’t enter his mind. He took the form of a servant and let go of his God-ship. For our sakes. If Jesus Christ humbled himself so much as to become human and Paul enjoins us to think of others as better than ourselves, then I think perhaps we’d better.

Humility is the gateway to wisdom, I think. And confession is one of the greatest aids to humility. When I confess my sins, God is faithful and just to forgive me my sins, and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness. You should try it sometime. It works wonders. Another thing I have been praying constantly is that God would reveal the sins and evil thoughts that I have that I don’t consciously recognize. If you can’t find anything to confess, then pray that God would open your eyes to yourself. Above all, pray.

It is vital for me to have an accurate picture of myself, and verbalizing what I have done wrong helps me with that. As Saint Paul enjoins us, Daily confession keeps me in sync with reality and keeps me dependent on God’s grace. It keeps me constantly asking God to help me and to aid me in my strivings towards his kingdom.

My audition at Berklee is Saturday. I warm up at 11:45 and audition at 12:15. If you would be praying that God would shine his light through me and bring me peace and that he would showcase the talent he has given me, it would be much appreciated.

P.S.

I’m still working on those Salvation to children posts. It’s harder than I anticipated it to be. I’ll post some other stuff probably in the meantime. Especially once I get this audition out of my way I’ll have time to get back to life and stop practicing and feeling guilty about doing anything else.

Today marks the beginning of Lent, Ash Wednesday. Today I remember before God all of my failings, my trespasses, my continuing sins and my sins past. I call to the forefront of my mind that I am undeserving of grace.

Such a small and fragile little thing am I. How many times I have transgressed the commandments of the Lord, and how I have warped the divine image and spark that lives buried in my heart. My sins are as the multitude of the sands of the sea and my transgressions are multiplied before the Lord. I am bowed under the iron bands of sin and my head is bowed with their weight.

Truly, to be a slave to sin is hell, and how much I have chosen hell of my own will! Lord, have mercy on me, for truly I am a sinner. Christ have mercy. Give me eyes to see all of the ways that I fall short of your commandment of love; give me wisdom to recognize my own pride and self-reliance. Give grace to my heart and open me to myself so that I might see clearly and accurately how much I let darkness into my mind, body, spirit. I am always so blinded to my own sins. Shine your light into my mind, send your spirit to fill me and give me blinding sight… blinding sight into my own self.

I repent in dust and ashes and wear them on my forehead as a symbol of my repentance. May they remind me of my helpless estate. I am but dust, and to dust I shall return. Regard your servant, and confer your grace through these ashes. Amen.

A question was asked me recently. “How would you explain salvation to a child?”

Tough question. My answer: Uh… I don’t know…

I decided I have to remedy that answer. So, I’m going to write a series of posts answering this question. Hopefully they’ll be shorter posts. In this post I want to make a few introductory observations.

First, Dallas Willard (as Sam pointed out to me the other day) says that the best way to teach children is through stories. Somehow stories speak to children. They speak to all ages, of course, and they are perhaps the best way of teaching in general, but I think they are one of the only ways to communicate effectively to a child. So, I will try to teach by telling stories.

Someone might say at this point “Oh, it’s easy, I could explain salvation to a child! I’d just tell them that Jesus died and rose again for their sins so that they could have a relationship with God, and then I’d say the way to accept God’s free gift is to ask Jesus into your heart.”

I believe that is a very distorted gospel, and not a hint of it is found within the teachings of the Church or the Holy Scriptures. That was what was explained to me as a child in Sunday School, and I think it is a very bad way of going about explaining things to a child. Looking back at that gospel’s effect on me, there were many negative consequences that resulted in my indoctrination. Working in Sunday school, I have also witnessed some of the very negative effects such a gospel has on children, who are worried to tears about whether they are saved or not. Hopefully how my view of salvation differs from this view will become clear as I proceed. Perhaps after I complete the several posts addressed to a child, I will wrap up with some more detailed commentary.

With those introductory notes, let us move on the gospel.

If you have not had access to formal music training,
- describe what challenges you faced in developing your musicianship,
- how you overcame those challenges, and
- how that experience might contribute to your success as a student at Berklee.

I’ve heard un-trained musicians talk about how magical and wonderful playing music is, but when it comes down to it they don’t put in the routine practice that is so necessary for good music. Scales, exercises, sight-reading, theory: learning these things is the greatest challenge I’ve faced coming from a background without formal training. I haven’t had a teacher to make me work, so I’ve taught myself to commit to a regular routine. When I taught myself to play piano and read music freshman year in highschool, I sat for hours at a time figuring out The Entertainer by Scott Joplin. I would listen to it over and over again, study a book about reading music, and stumble along to the sheet music. It was not something that came easily, but I put in the hours until I could play. The same year I moved to several Mozart pieces and my crowning classical achievement: memorizing Beethoven’s 1st movement of Pathetique and performing it at a talent show. I’ve had to search out my own exercises and create my own practice schedule. Pushing through this major challenge I have developed the ability to self-motivate and an understanding of the value of regular practice.

Being homeschooled, I never had the opportunity to play in school bands or ensembles, so I had to make music by myself. Desiring to play with other musicians, I joined a fife and drum corps. I became lead fifer and gained a lot of experience performing in front of large crowds. My musical horizons began to expand and I began composing songs for a four or five man band. But in not having access to people who could play my compositions, I took to recording them in garageband. I taught myself to play the various instruments I needed and used my dad’s macbook to turn myself into a one-man-band.

Money. A roadblock that nearly all musicians face, myself no exception. Instruments are expensive. Software is expensive. Recording gear is expensive. Private training is expensive. And most musicians aren’t rock stars raking in cash. During my senior year, I scraped together enough money to upgrade from garageband to Pro-Tools and from an SM58 to a Rhode NTK condensor. That summer I was working full time, but took one week off to record and mix my first album. I hardly slept, didn’t shower, and ended up ten pounds lighter because I was so engrossed in the project. I learned that summer to make do with what I have. You don’t need thousands upon thousands of dollars to write some good songs and produce an album that will touch a few lives.

My experience in playing classical piano pieces, being lead fifer in a fife and drum corps, playing rock and blues guitar, and singing pop covers has given my compositions a wide variety of influences. I feel like Berklee would be the perfect place for me to expand my range of influences and devote myself entirely to practice and study. I offer Berklee a disciplined student devoted to music and a mind that desires to contribute something to the great historical dialogue we call music.

Don’t be afraid of not knowing something. As I grow older, I have come to realize something. That is this; I don’t know everything. Neither have I thought about everything. Logical conclusion: I don’t necessarily have an answer to certain questions. I’ve learned another thing: Honesty is always best. Being open and transparent about who and what you are, your faults and failures as well as your talents and skills. Don’t hide anything, and don’t say anything you’re not comfortable with other people hearing. It’s just good policy.

In order to be honest, you have to know yourself. In order to know yourself, you have to spend time alone in silence. I heard someone say recently that being a monk/hermit is running away from society and is the ‘easy way’. I submit to you, as someone who most likely has been completely isolated from all human contact for longer than you have ever been, that it is not an easy thing to live with yourself. If you ever try being alone for any prolonged period of time (at least two days), you will realize that it is a very hard thing to face yourself.

I realized today, while staring into a fire I made outside in the firepit, that I am my greatest enemy. Being completely honest with myself about myself is a hard thing to do. To sit down and think about all that I am, all the things I have done, where I am now, my deficiencies and shortcomings, my lingering sins and black spots. I don’t know myself very truly or well yet. I’m getting there.

But know this: everything starts with you. If you can be honest with yourself about yourself, you have taken the first step towards wisdom. The harder part is accepting who you are. If you can accept who you are (not a distorted picture of who you are but who you truly are), you can accept anyone. If you know yourself truly and are able to accept who and what you are truly, you will be able to accept all men. The two go hand in hand: you will know when you know yourself when you can love and accept all men, and when you love and accept all men you will know that you know yourself. (And don’t make the foolish assertion that love can be unaffectionate).

Know yourself. Never be afraid or ashamed to say ‘Well. I never thought about that before.’ Never be afraid to ask ‘What does that word mean?’ Never be ashamed of what you don’t know. Know that you are beautiful in your own right in your being, for you are made in the image of God. Know that you’re also probably to some degree messed up. Know yourself, and you can begin to know God. For when you know yourself truly, you come to see the beauty in this mess we call reality. And when you are in tune with reality, you will come slowly to know God. Therefore, know thyself.

As I have put together this essay, I have realized my complete insufficiency for the task at hand, but I hope that God can speak through me a little bit of truth despite that. I do not fully understand the things I speak of, but God has given me experiential knowledge that I wish to communicate, though my skills of communication are insufficient. I present some hard concepts in very compact form, so try to bear with me.

I want to ask four questions, and attempt to at least give some semblance of an answer to them. 1) What is the gospel? 2) What is the law? 3) What is sin? 4) What is salvation? After a brief discussion of each of these four topics and an attempt at a definition of each of them, I will try and tie them together and give a few thoughts on how I think they relate to each other and interlock. So, here we go.

What is the gospel?

Despite many differences in the way people present the gospel from tradition to tradition or person to person, all of its various presentations revolve around the cross. I think that God was wise in picking such a symbol for his gospel: merely two intersecting wooden beams. And yet these two beams of wood are the most meaningful symbol that ever was and will be. They are amazingly simple, but symbolize such depth and meaning. However we see the gospel, it must revolve around the cross. And what does this symbol stand for but God’s love? That Jesus Christ, the very son of God, the divine human, the god-man, would humble himself so much as to become a *human*. That he would die humiliated and naked on a cross when he was completely blameless and Lord of all creation: such is the meaning of the gospel and such is the meaning of the cross. God’s love. The cross is an symbol of God’s love for the cosmos, and the very heart and center of the gospel in any form of its presentation is that cross. The cross transcends theology and theories of atonement and all human explanation. It is a mystery. It is God’s undeniable and ultimately powerful “I love you” to the cosmos.

What is the law?

When Paul, John, the author of Hebrews, James, Peter; in short all the authors of the New Testament speak of ‘the law,’ they are referring to the Mosaic law. We do not mean here just the outward forms and rituals of Jewish ceremony, but also ‘moral law.’ The code of rules set forth by God dictating what is right and wrong, what is moral and immoral. For our purposes, we define the law as such. Rules and regulations about what is right and wrong. Righteousness by the law is conformity to its rules and regulations.

What is sin?

Sin is simply the transgression of the law. It is the breaking of a rule, it is doing something immoral, it is falling short of one of the commandments. We must be careful not to over-extend the definition of this word. Sin — despite its many harmful and negative consequences — in itself is strictly the transgression of the Mosaic law. We can talk about the effects of sin, but for our purposes, we want to make a clear distinction between the act of sin and its consequences. Sin is a snapshot in time, the breaking of a rule.

What is salvation?

Salvation is redemption. Salvation is life. Salvation is to be freed from the power of sin. Salvation is to be baptized and to be identified with the Church; it is to die to fallen humanity in Adam and rise again and partake in redeemed humanity in Christ. I do not speak metaphorically of the Church, redeemed humanity, fallen humanity. These are not nominalist forms and unreal mental concepts but actual metaphysical entities. Salvation is to partake of the divine nature, to live up to our status as sons of God. Salvation is to cease committing sin, for whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin, because his seed remains in us, and we cannot sin, because we are born of God (1 John). Salvation is to be free from all things, but to be free first and foremost to love and to forgive unconditionally. With the hope of our glorification and deification always before us, it is to enjoy eternal life and to enjoy it to its fullest potential, right here, right now. It is to fall before the cross and experience the mystery of the undeniable and ultimately powerful love of God.

So now we raise a very important question. What does the cross have to do with salvation?

The cross is the fulfillment of the law. He that loves fulfills the law, for the law is summed up in the single command to love thy neighbor as thyself. Love is the fulfillment of the law: the living and beating heart of the law, that which animates and breathes life into it. The cross, the ultimate allegory of love, is the fulfillment of the law. It brought to light what the shell of the forms encased: a spiritual thing. And when Christ died, the law died with him. Sin — wrong action — was crucified and buried with Christ.

There is no condemnation for those in Christ who walk in faith and love, according to Paul. To John we cannot sin, because we are dead to the law. The metaphysical ideal of sin-ness we are no longer identified with, because on the cross Christ took away our sins. No longer do we work works according to the standard of moral law, but according to the law of love. With the law died sin, because sin comes by the law, as Paul says in Romans. But we are dead to the law, and if we are dead to the law we are dead to sin, because sin comes through the law. And we know, John says, that Christ was manifested to take away our sins. Think about that without your normal theological framework for a second. Try to step outside of your interpretive framework. Christ died to take away the existence of our sins. No ‘if’s,’ ‘and’s,’ or ‘but’s’ about it. Period. Sin = non-existent.

I am here proposing a paradigm shift in how we see sin. If Christ destroyed our identification with sin and our bondage to the law, we are free indeed. The question of ‘is this action sin or not’ should not occur to a child of God, because one who is born of God cannot sin, because he is dead to sin and no longer identified with sin-ness. To ask such a question betrays a wrong mindset. We ought to be striving to lay hold of salvation, not trying to get away with ‘gray’ things, walking fine lines, and getting as close to sin as we can without sinning. As brethren of Christ, we have been made free so that we might take hold of eternal life and begin living it right here, right now. On this earth. In this body. We do not look at things in terms of moral law, but we look at things in terms of being truly human. You need to realize that you do not commit sin as a Christian, because sin is dead. It doesn’t exist to you, because you are not under the law.

What makes us human as oppose to animal is our self government, reason, and capacity to love. The measure in which a man exercises and possesses these things is the measure of his ‘humanity.’ The more a man loves, governs himself, and exercises his mind (reasons), the more he partakes in redeemed and glorified human nature. So the child of God seeks to strain towards salvation, as I have defined it above. He may still sin, at least according to the moral law, in his actions. But he is moving and striving to partake in salvation and life abundantly and he is no longer under the rule of the law because he died to the law through baptism. It is not legitimate to hold him to the law or to say that he ever sins if he walks according to the new covenant of faith and love, because sin simply doesn’t apply to him in the new covenant. Christ was manifested to take away our sins. He died so that we Don’t have to beat ourselves up over sin when we walk in love.

An action either fosters a person’s humanity and salvation, or else it smothers them. All sin as we know it from the law smothers and detracts from a person’s humanity and salvation. It makes them less human and more animal. For example, lying, the more one does such a sin, the more it hardens his soul, or detracts from his humanity. When one begins to lie, he is arrogantly creating a false world in his mind, and the more one lies, the more real this false world becomes to him, until finally he is swallowed up in a fantasy. Lying has a dehumanizing affect. The person who lusts or does pornography is hardened more and more and begins to view all people as sex objects, until he is swallowed up in a mental world of sex. All sin works this way: avarice, gluttony, pride, wrath, envy. Even things we generally label morally neutral, like entertainment, have an affect on the soul that is either positive or negative.

The reason I bring this up is to illustrate a point about sin. Because God has revealed his salvation to us — his plan of redemption and glorification for humans — we concern ourselves with grasping that salvation. Being a Christian is not hard in that he who is born of God finds Jesus’ new commandments of love not difficult, as John says. It’s not about depriving yourself of things, it’s about seeking good things. Some people ask ‘is watching a tv a sin?’ Or perhaps they say ‘well, watching tv isn’t a sin… so it’s not wrong for me to watch it…’ But that’s missing the point. The gospel isn’t about depriving ourselves or being righteous by not doing ‘sinful’ things. Neither is it about accepting Jesus’ sacrifice so that when we die we get to go to heaven. It’s about becoming more human and more divine and not going down the path of dehumanization. That’s why I’m harping on sin, because in the law, the point is to not break rules. According to the gospel, the point is to be saved, as I have defined it above. The saved man sees watching tv in light of his partaking of salvation and his striving to become more fully human. If it inhibits him or is not a good and holy part of living as a redeemed human, then it is unpleasant to him. If it does not move him forwards towards God and salvation, it does not interest him.

So. In summary. The gospel is God’s love for the cosmos symbolized by the simple cross. The cross was the death of sin imputed by the law and the beginning of the law of freedom and love. The point: being saved means living life and living it fully and abundantly. Salvation is equivalent to our glorification. Don’t let sin bring you into bondage, because it doesn’t apply to you anymore. It died on the cross with Jesus so that you might be a child of God and keep Jesus’ new commandments: those of the spirit and love.