Hostile Legacy

Next Year for Me

Santeyio — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 21:01:33 +0000

I have much to say. Many things to write of. I apologize for not keeping up with my blog. And I won't say I'm going to make an effort to try and start keeping up with it now, because I probably won't.

Today I heard an interesting sermon that made me think. A few days ago, I decided what I'm going to be doing next year instead of college. A few days ago I watched what has become one of my favorite movies. For my Great Books class I've been reading Alexander Pope, who has been most stimulating. I played my first real set with my good friend Joshua Lagan, the debut performance of our collaborative musical project "Diary" a week ago. Aside from all that, I've been doing some interesting thinking. So in a nutshell, that's January for me. Each of those topics is at least a post in itself, if not several, so I'm wondering what I should post about for starters.

Perhaps the shortest is what I'm going to be doing next year… Anyone who reads this blog probably knows (and if you don't I'm telling you) that I've been fairly certain for a fairly long while that I do not want to attend a college. At least not right after highschool. The first reason is that it costs an exorbitant amount of money, and I for one do not want to go into any debt unless absolutely necessary (which I feel is a Christian sentiment). Now perhaps if there was something I really wanted to pursue in college I could justify spending all that money and going into debt. For example, if I wanted to become a doctor, or a lawyer. But there is nothing I feel a strong motivation to pursue that I would need a college degree for, so I doubly cannot justify spending all that money for nothing. If ever I have a strong desire to do something that requires a college education, and if I feel God is directing me in such a way, I have no aversion to pursuing the education and degree necessary. But at this point, I definitely do not see God leading me there. And I wholeheartedly agree with him in that.

If there are any parents who read this blog (I don't know if there are any, but I think there might be a few…) then I plead with you to try and break away from the culture in your thinking here. Don't get boxed in and assume that your kids go off to college after highschool, because that's just what everyone does. There doesn't have to be a reason anymore, that's just the next step everyone takes. Well, that's all fine and good, but what a waste of time and money that can never be gotten back. I mean, how many people do you know who don't use their college degree in what they work in now? I know many fathers with whom that is the case. On the other hand, don't think I'm trying to convince people not to attend college… by all means if you feel God is leading you there, or if you feel that's the next step for you. But go with a reason. Go with a purpose. A very specific purpose. And don't just mindlessly go through the cultural norm. It exasperates and upsets me to no end when I see people doing things they haven't thought through, just… well… 'because'. And even worse when they're closed about it. Anyways. I digress.

So all that to say, I'm not going to college next year. I have felt God's been telling me this for a year or two now… some people (well, ok many people) have been a little wary and disconcerted by this decision, but I was laughing just yesterday about this. Because I've been very clear in saying "God will lead me down the path he wishes me to trod. All I have to do is listen and follow where he leads." I've been praying lately that God would show me the next step, and he has answered my prayers in a way that I don't deserve. It feels good when you trust in God and tell people that he won't let you down even when they're raising their eyebrows, and then God goes and doesn't let you down. Do you know how good that feels? If you don't, I'm telling you now that it's a most wonderful feeling.

I was invited by the teacher of my online classes (The teacher of Schola Tutorials, Wesley Callihan), who has been a very good friend and teacher over the past four years of highschool, to come and study at his house next school year. I suppose one could call it very very loosely a college of sorts, but a couple students will be staying there (four, I believe) and studying Greek, Latin, Great Literature, and in general doing classical studies, thinking, writing. They live on a farm out in the middle of nowhere in Idaho, so it will be a most wonderful quiet place to contemplate and discern the next step God wants me to take. I'm taking Mr. Callihan up on his offer, so if God wills, that's what I'll be doing next year.

Wow. That was a lot longer that I thought it was going to be. But there you have it. Next I think I shall post about the movie, which I'm going to watch again tonight with Sam.

Stain Glass Window

Santeyio — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 20:11:20 +0000

(I started this blog post a few weeks ago, but never ended up getting back to finish it… it's relatively complete where it is… so I guess I'll just post it unfinished [the reason I'm not going to finish it is because I don't generally do to well at trying to go back and finish old posts I started… I end up just deleting the whole thing and doing something new])

It seems like my blog posts get farther and few between as time goes on. And it seems like I keep saying that at beginning. Ah well, what can I say. I'm a lazy man.

There is so much to speak of, I don't really know what to choose. I suppose I'll just kind of write and see what comes out (which is what I always do, so I don't know why I'm talking about doing it at the beginning here…).

This evening I took a walk out back in the snow covered windblown farm fields as the sun was setting. I used to take walks out back quite often, but I'm rather loathe to say I don't know if I've done it even once this winter before today. I like the cold… with the windchill it was probably single digits or low teens. Somehow walking briskly through snow with my jeans and black jacket in the bitter cold makes me feel alive. Most people don't like the cold like that I find, but somehow I enjoy it. Maybe it's because it's something that I can still feel very distinctly when other sense are perhaps somewhat jaded. I don't know. The cold and the beautiful trees and sky combined really serve to connect me to God, to quiet my mind and just stop to think for a little.

I've been getting caught up in life and it's complexities… plans, decisions, relationships, change, emotions… there are so many things that fill my mind and weigh me down every day. I guess I've always been one who's quite against worry, and I've been quick so say that one shouldn't plan, that one should control his emotions and accept changes and deal with relationships. Perhaps I was rash to think I'm above these things, but I have to keep holding that belief. I was reminded today in a very quiet way to stop and listen to God.

As I stood in a clearing outside looking through the trees at the colored sky and fading sun, I could see a stain glass window far more beautiful and impressive than anything man could ever make.

The Chiefest of Sins

Santeyio — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 03:55:34 +0000

I've been reading Paradise Lost for school. It's an epic poem about the fall of man written by John Milton in the 1600s. I think it's my favorite epic poem… right along with Homer. This is saying alot, seeing as how I've read Homer, Virgil, Dante, Spenser, Chaucer… most of the epic poets. There is something indescribably grand about Milton's style and subject. He describes the fall of Satan, the war in heaven, the casting of Satan and his host down to Hell, the beauty and perfection of creation and man before the fall… seriously. Epic poetry doesn't get much better than this.

But I want to talk about Satan in this post, and Milton's depction of him. As I read Paradise Lost, I find myself somehow attracted to the character of Satan. In the first book, Milton describes the fallen host of Hell, lying on the flaming ground after being cast down from heaven, groaning and depressed and just kind of writhing on the ground across the giant plain. Then Satan stands up and gives a speech to his armies, rousing their spirits once more to rebellion and valor. Here he speaks the famous line "It is better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven." The mind, he says, can make of hell a heaven, or of heaven a hell. He is the picture of glorious unsubmission, his head unbowed, shaking his fist at the powers who are trying to bow him, he is unwilling to give up his pride. This poem captures his spirit well I think.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

It has been bothering me somewhat that I've been so entranced by this Character of Satan in the story and in this poem. Doesn't that poem just stir something inside of you? Well, it does in me anyways. Perhaps it's because I'm young and fiery. But it just makes me feel so strong. I am the master of my fate, *I* am the captain of my soul. Who is there that can humble me? Even if God throws me to hell on judgement day, it was my choice, and I will never bend my knee. This is the attitude of Satan and his angels.

Perhaps you're reading this and becoming somewhat disturbed… I am somewhat disturbed writing it, at least. It is quite obvious that there is something undeniably evil about the spirit I'm describing. Seeing as how I am an evil man, it doesn't surprise me too much that I have an affinity for evil things and attitudes, and yet it still makes me uncomfortable to think that I admire this spirit of unabashed pride and self-sufficiency.

It has always been a part of my nature to be very non-conformist, to try my best to stand away and aloof from the crowd, to be the odd one out. Most people who read this blog probably know all too well my sometimes overly-zealous non-conformism. I have always endeavored not to submit to the world or to the culture's or the modern church's expectations, but only to God and his kingdom. This can at times be a rather negative trait, and I'm beginning to wonder if the root of this desire is my overbearing pride and desire to be self-sufficient. Perhaps that's why Satan and the poem appeal to me so much.

It seems to me that the very root of all sin is pride. The fall of Satan and his angels can be attributed to a deep-rooted sense of pride and unsubmission. This was the first of all sins. Even the first sins of Adam and Eve were linked inseperably to pride. Instead of trusting God's command and judgement, they trusted in something else. In Eve's case she trusted in the serpent's reasoning, in Adam's case he relied upon his own reasoning. The Chiefest of sins, then, the worst and foremost, the root and cause of everything evil is pride. That's something to think about.

My New Guitar

Santeyio — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:58:09 +0000

My new guitar came in the mail yesterday.

Love

Santeyio — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:26:46 +0000

I sure wish I was loving. But I have a long ways to go.

Love is patient,
Love is kind and is not jealous;
Love does not brag and is not arrogant,
Does not act unbecomingly;
Does not seek its own,
Is not provoked,
Does not take into account a wrong suffered,
Does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with the truth;
Bears ALL things,
Believes ALL things,
Hopes ALL things,
Endures ALL things…
Love never fails.
Ever.
Everything else will fail…
But love will not.
Ever.

Danny Boy

Santeyio — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 00:35:11 +0000

So, Grace asked me to do Danny Boy yesterday night. So I listened to it, practiced it a little tonight and did a rough one-shot recording. Here you are. If anyone else has requests, feel free. I am, by the way, working away on my new CD as much as time allows. The first bit is a little pitchy, but otherwise it turned out ok for the most part.

Download

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Dies Irae

Santeyio — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 03:19:44 +0000

Dies Irae. That's Latin (dee-ays ee-ray with the r rolled). It means the day of wrath. There's a famous old hymn that goes by this title. Perhaps it isn't so famous these days, but if we're speaking historically (and anyone who reads my blog at all knows I'm *always* speaking historically), it's been popular since when it was written in the 1200s. It's extremely long… somewhere around 20 stanzas if I remember correctly. There's also a popular English translation (I think it was written for the Anglican liturgy… again, if memory serves me properly which it very well may not). I'm particularly fond of both versions, and actually one of the new songs on my album uses the Latin for the lyrics. But enough with the unecessary chatter, let me get to the point. The first stanza goes thus:

Day of wrath, O day of mourning,
See fulfilled the prophets warning,
Heaven and earth in ashes burning.

I highly reccomend you read the whole thing, but I'll leave that up to your discretion. Here's a link if you are so inclined to take my humble advice. It would be well worth your while. http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/d/a/daywrath.htm

I shall content myself with commentating on the first line of the hymn.

so a few days ago, I was sitting around for a while in a chair with nothing in particular to do. After a while I had the brilliant idea of writing with the pen in my pocket on my arm. So I proceeded to do so. I wrote:

DIES IRAE,
DIES ILLA.

The day of wrath, O that day. As you can perhaps tell from the first stanze I put in here, the hymn is about judgement day. I've been walking around with Dies Irae, Dies Illa written on my arm now for a while. And every time I look at my arm I'm reminded of judgement day. It's actually been a very sobering experience for me… surprisingly so. What a fearful day it will be… and I do so many things every day without thinking about their eternal significance. Will my words justify me on that day? Will my actions? Jesus says by thy words thou shalt be justified and by thy words thou shalt be condemned. Will I have lived a life under grace when that day rolls around? Will I have lived in love to all men with compassion towards all men?

I wonder about that. It's so easy to make excuses in my mind… or to push off responsibility. And yet somehow, despite myself and my weakness, I know that I'm following my master. Perhaps not perfectly, perhaps stumbling and slowing down at various times, but I'm moving after him. And that gives me comfort. I trust that God will and even is now purifying me and shining his light through me, even if only dimly. I put my trust in grace all around me, underneath me, running in a current over me, carrying me. On that day of wrath I hope with all my spirit that God will smile upon me and not frown.

Stars

Santeyio — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 19:18:34 +0000

Life has been interesting lately. I usually make it a habit not to discuss personal matters on this blog… or if I do to keep it to an absolute minimum. Life has been very interesting these days. I feel like I've changed a lot since… well… I don't even know. I guess I feel I've changed a lot over these past months, over the summer and during the beginning of this school year so far. I don't really mean change in a bad way either, I guess I've matured a lot. Perhaps that sounds conceited, and maybe it is, but I don't mean that I've grown smarter, stronger, wiser (though perhaps in an ironic way I have). I think I'm learning how dumb, foolish, rebellious, dissatisfied, selfish, weak I am and always have been. And I don't mean to just bash myself for the sake of humility. I will grant you I've never been the worst of the bad in any of these areas, and that fact holds true to this day.

People will tend to look up to certain people. To a small extent, I've had people looking up to me for most of my life, more so in these past two years or so than before. I think I've realized that (perhaps exaggeratedly), and it's subtly influenced my perception of myself. I think that's one of the things that's contributed to some of my overbearing pride at times… if some look up to me, then aren't I worthy of being looked up to? Mustn't they see something of consequence? I think that's been my reasoning up to now. And in a sense, I need people to value me so that I can value myself, that's something I've definitely found. But I've begun to realize something that's been troubling me more and more.

When people find any thing or person with some good qualities, they will tend to distort its goodness and cover over in their mind it's faults and imperfections. It's almost random the things that get chosen to be looked up to. And somehow, after the dice were rolled, I got chosen as one of those people. It's something that's been bearing heavily on my shoulders, because I've begun to realize that I'm responsible for a lot more than just my actions, thoughts, and behaviors. I'm also responsible for the ways that all the former affect those around me. And that can be a very heavy burden to bear at times, especially when it's not merit that's deciding who to elevate.

I wonder sometimes how much responsibility we bear for our actions. I guess my conclusion as of now has been that practically speaking, we all have to shoulder the full weight of our actions and choices. I guess that's when God's grace takes on a new meaning. I find new meaning in grace as I see my own failure more clearly. I guess that sounds horribly cliche. Maybe it's because it is cliche. But it's true. And I guess maybe it can be hard to understand until one actually experiences it. But when all seems dull and gray, despondent and cloudy, downhill and depressed, I guess I have to believe that there is hope. I go outside before I go to bed at night, and I stand out back in the field and look up at the stars. On a clear night they're so bright and radiant and full of hope, I can almost hear them singing. After watching the stars for a few minutes, I can't help but feel hope stealing over my heart, no matter what I've been feeling the rest of the day. There's something indescribably beautiful about them. It feels like I can almost see God… and I know beyond any doubt that he's present everywhere, sometimes silent, but still there. Watching softly. Smiling.

Television

Santeyio — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 03:30:06 +0000

Here's a brief not well-worked over essay I wrote just now… it's about that book I quoted from a few posts ago, "Amusing Ourselves to Death."

    Aquaducts can carry water, but not mud or electricity. Dump trucks can transport mud, but while they might be able to carry water as well, they cannot do so nearly as efficiently as aquaducts. Postman makes the case that different media or mediums (for example speech, typography, television) in a culture affect what he terms 'public discourse.' Public Discourse is essentially the culture-wide discussion, dwelling upon, and debating of ideas, so Postman argues that the main media of communication that a culture uses will define the ideas that can be discussed.

    While the fact that aquaducts can carry water and not mud seems fairly obvious, it is far less obvious in my own mind that TV, the media on which Postman centers his discussion, can communicate some ideas while having severe limitations communicating others. Television carries entertainment, Postman says, and backs this up with several valid reasons. When spiritual, religious, political, social, or other ideas that are very serious in nature are attempted at being conveyed through the medium of television, which is one of entertainment, these things must become watered down, chopped up, cooked down before they can be viewed as entertainment. This is desensitization at its very worst. Because serious ideas are distorted by the main media of a culture into entertainment, the general public conception of these things, the 'public discourse' if you will, becomes one of triviality. For that is what entertainment is: trivial. It does not affect our lives practically, besides eating up time, when we seek entertainment in ideas and institutions that are meant to be practical in influencing the way we live, think, walk, talk.

    I very much appreciated Postman's words and insight on TV and media and how they affect public discourse. I'm very much fascinated by the idea that different media can communicate different things and not others… it makes me wonder about the internet and what sort of a media it's turning out to be. Granted, Postman's discussion about American society heading down irresistibly towards the depths of a TV saturated culture are somewhat outdated in that society is no longer heading in that direction. But I still see value in his discussion of media in general and the huge affect they have on culture and public discourse. It is a good thing to be aware of what sorts of things shape our minds and how they work and what sorts of affects they have on our thinking and ability to process and percieve.

Sin

Santeyio — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 00:21:38 +0000

This was posted on the rebelution blog, which I'm subscribed to in my blogger. I don't usually read their posts, but if they post a video I'll start it. His illustration is very good. I don't normally post videos, but this one was pretty good.